


Dark Times

by stateofdreamin



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, depression time, emily loves jj so much, jj is insecure, jj's sad, she has a bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stateofdreamin/pseuds/stateofdreamin
Summary: “I just can’t help but wonder if this was how Rosyln felt,” she says, the mention of her sister making her tear up again. “How she must’ve felt like this for so long.”
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	Dark Times

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to james for betaing! idk what i'd do without u bestie

She thought she had gotten over this. She genuinely thought that she had gotten better for good. 

But when JJ wakes up, and the first thing she notices is that heavy, suffocating feeling in her chest, she can’t help but sigh. Staying in bed and shutting the world out seems like heaven right now, with the comforter pulled up to her neck and the curtains shutting out any sunlight. However, she can’t do that no matter how much she wants to. 

Being the media liaison of a highly selective unit in the FBI means she has to earn her respect, and the respect doesn’t come as easy to her as it does to the profilers in her unit. She’s not saying her team treats her as an outcast, that they don’t appreciate her; she’s just saying that it seems like they deem her expendable. It sucks.

If she decides to stay home where she can stay in her bed and not use the energy she’s not sure she has, it would give them another reason to feel as if she’s not a valid member of the team. As someone who has to work for recognition and respect, she can’t afford to call in sick when she’s physically okay. It’s not that the team doesn’t care about her, she knows they do, but someone caring about you doesn't automatically mean they respect you. 

JJ reluctantly takes the comforter off her body, sits up on the edge of her bed, and rubs her eyes. She can’t help but groan at the thought of having to sort through multiple cases and decide which one’s important enough to present to the team, and the fear of choosing the right case is sitting in the back of her head, nagging. Getting up from the bed, she tries to push the thought away and pulls out a shirt and skirt from her wardrobe and moves to the bathroom.

She winces when she turns on the bathroom light, the brightness blinding her for a split second before her eyes adjust. JJ tugs on her clothes and takes a quick look at her reflection in the mirror. She knows she should shower. Her hair is getting greasy and she should take her time to shampoo, condition and rinse her hair. It’s just that the motivation to do so is nowhere to be found. So, she skips the shower and goes for the dry shampoo she keeps for emergencies. She’s only used it the few times she’s been late, so it’s still relatively full. Not finding the energy to brush her teeth, she grabs the mouthwash and decides it’s good enough for now. Finishing up with deodorant and perfume, she grabs her freshly packed go-bag from the day before and walks to her car. 

She hoped that the heavy feeling would’ve gotten lesser as she drove to Quantico, but she isn’t surprised that it’s still there, weighing heavy on her as she locks her car and makes her way into the building. 

JJ doesn’t even have time to sort her thoughts before Hotch calls them into briefing, and, even though all she wants to do is disappear right then and there, she walks into the room with a smile on her face and sits down. Emily gives her a warm smile and a coffee which she takes gratefully. 

Only minutes into the briefing, JJ zones out. She doesn’t mean to. She tries her best to pay attention, but her mind is a mess and the suffocating feeling only gets stronger. She’s mad at herself; she doesn’t wanna be the weak link of the team.

Emily looks over to JJ, expecting her to be nodding along to Hotch’s words, but all she can see is her girlfriend leaning her head on her hand, an empty look on her face. She tries to get her attention, but when JJ doesn’t react after she bumps their feet together under the table, she starts to worry. JJ has never been like this before, and Emily doesn’t know what to do. The look on the blonde’s face is recognizable. She’s seen it on herself way too many times and it scares her because all she wants is for JJ to be okay.

JJ can feel Emily staring holes into her skull, so she looks over to her and gives her a smile before she goes back to trying to pay attention to Hotch. They’ve only been dating for a few months, and, even though JJ is pretty sure she’s been in love with Emily since the first time she saw her, she’s not really ready for her girlfriend to see her like this. What happens if it’s too much for her? What if  _ JJ  _ is too much for her? The thought scares her too much, so she tries not to think about it.

Throughout the day, everyone tries to talk to her, she shouldn’t be shocked that they know something’s up since they’re profilers, but the thought of having people read her all day long gets on her nerves faster than she wants to admit. It’s only when she almost snaps at Garcia for asking her (for the 13th time) if she’s okay that she realizes she needed a break. So, she disappears to the bathroom after Garcia’s questioning, and is relieved when she’s not followed. She leans onto the sink, looks at herself in the mirror, and takes a deep breath.

She’s frustrated with herself, for many things. For treating her team, her  _ family,  _ like shit for caring. For being annoyed with Garcia at all. For not being okay. She’s 32 years old, she’s a grown woman, and she shouldn’t act like this. She’s so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t realize she forgot to lock the door, or that someone came in.

“Hey.”

JJ takes a deep breath again. “Hey..”

Emily goes to stand beside her, and cranes her head to try and get eye contact with her girlfriend. It doesn’t work.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she asks.

“Nothing. I’m good.”

The brunette shakes her head, and places a hand over the blonde’s on the sink desperately trying to get her to focus on her. “Baby...” she starts. “You’re not okay. What’s going on?”

JJ closes her eyes for a while and tries to think of what to say. She wants to talk, she really does, but she doesn’t know where to start and she doesn’t want to burden Emily with her thoughts. But, she also knows that she can’t keep it in. The more she holds everything in the worse it’ll get, and she can’t handle the thought of that. So, she opens her eyes again and looks down into the sink.

“I don’t know, Emily,” she says, and takes another deep breath. Talking about her feelings isn’t her strongest suit. She doesn’t want to be seen as weak. Even though she knows that Emily won’t think of her like that, she can’t stop doubting herself. ‘’It’s just not a good day.’’

“What can I do to help?” Emily says, as she rubs a thumb over the back of JJ’s hand.

JJ shrugs and looks up at Emily in the mirror, not ready for direct eye contact but wanting to show her that she was there. “I don’t want to bother you with this, I’ll be fine.” JJ sighs, and gives Emily another smile.

Emily’s taken aback. She never wants JJ to feel like she can’t talk to her. She knows the feeling like you can’t trust anyone, like you’re gonna be judged for feeling what you’re feeling, so she tries to push down the feeling of hurt. She knows it’s not JJ’s fault.

“JJ, you could never bother me by telling me what you’re feeling. You matter to me, so when you’re struggling you can always come to me,” she starts, trying her best to convey her love and admiration for her partner. “I understand what you’re feeling, Jayje. I’m here for you.”

That gets JJ to look at Emily,  _ really  _ look at her, and it almost gets her to break down.

“It’s just so hard, Em,” she tells her and frustratedly wipes away a tear that was running down her cheek before she continues. “Everything is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Showering is hard. Existing is hard, and it hit me again like a truck. I’ve been okay for so long; I don’t get why it’s hitting me  _ now _ .” 

Emily puts one hand on JJ’s cheeks, grateful that JJ can finally look at her and open up. “Sometimes it doesn’t have a reason, and it sucks, I know. But I’m here for you, no matter what.”

JJ looks down at her feet, then back to the mirror, then at Emily again. She gives her a sad smile before she starts talking again.

“I just can’t help but wonder if this was how Rosyln felt,” she says, the mention of her sister making her tear up again. “How she must’ve felt like this for so long.”

Emily pulls JJ into a hug for a few seconds, before she leans back and cups JJ’s face in both hands.

“I didn’t know her, so I can’t tell you how she felt,” she says. “But I know that she would be so proud of you and the woman you are today. We all are. Me, the team, everyone can see how hard you’re working and how strong you are. But it’s okay to not be strong all the time. Sometimes you need to let yourself feel all those emotions and be vulnerable. It’s human.” 

JJ closes her eyes and leans her head against Emily’s shoulder. She didn’t know how her girlfriend knew about her insecurities without voicing them, but she’s grateful she didn’t have to admit to them on her own.

“I love you so much. I always have your back no matter what. Especially in times like these,” Emily says and gives JJ a light kiss.

“Thank you, Em. You don’t know how much it means to me,” JJ says softly. “I love you, too.”

JJ hated being vulnerable, having people know exactly what she’s feeling and that she’s not at the top of her game. But having Emily there makes it easier. Having someone who  _ loves her  _ makes it bearable, and she’s glad she doesn’t have to go through this alone.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated, i love hearing peoples thoughts on my work!  
> if u wanna leave requests my tumblr is jemilysparis.tumblr.com <3


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